Not What She Wished For
by theultimatezb
Summary: 5x10 spoilers. How I want Gail's storyline to happen.


**First of all, I know nothing about adoption process in Canada, or rather any other countries at all. Forgive my mistakes. Errors are all mine.**

* * *

Gail pulled her new sedan over into an empty parking lot right next to the park. She turned the ignition off and dragged her eyes over to the playground until blue eyes found a tiny form of Sophie on the swing. Gail smiled. Gail will always smile when she looks at Sophie. The girl is pure magic in her eyes. Gail took a deep breath before getting out of the car. The car that she bought recently, as a first step in changing her lifestyle and habits, if she wants this adoption to go through smoothly. She walked over to the bench where Laura, the social worker was sitting at. It was a weekly routine that they meet at the park so Gail could see Sophie frequently amidst the adoption process. The formal application was done weeks ago, so Gail's next step was to wait for an interview from the agency. The process have been long and painful. But Gail is optimistic that everything will work out and once Sophie is coming home with her, it will all be worth it.

"Hi Laura." Gail greeted the social worker once she reached the bench and took a seat next to her.

"Hey Gail." Laura gave Gail a weak smile and Gail felt worried that something went wrong with the adoption, but let it go for the time being. It could be nothing.

"How's Sophie doing?" Gail looked over at Sophie again, a smile forming on her face as it usually does around the little girl.

"She's… doing fine. Gail, before you go to her, I have something to talk to you about." Laura looked Gail straight in the eye, all serious and professional.

Gail's heart dropped. She silently prayed that it has nothing to do with the adoption. "What is it? What's wrong? How's the adoption process coming along?"

"About that… Last week we had a couple visited the home and they seem to be interested in adopting Sophie too." Laura looked at Gail with sympathetic eyes and Gail knew what was going to happen next.

Gail could not help but hope for the best. Something she has been doing a lot recently. "And? That doesn't mean anything, right? I'm still eligible to adopt Sophie just as much as they are."

"Yes, you are, but it seems like the agency is leaning more towards them. I don't know when you'll receive a formal acknowledgement, it could be weeks, months even but I thought it would be best if I told myself, in a familiar setting. And I didn't want you to get your hopes up. I like you, Gail. I want you to know that we've considered all options and only want the best for Sophie."

"And I'm not?" Gail stood up suddenly unsure of what to do with all the emotions running through her veins at the moment. She was not about to break down in the middle of the park surrounded with kids.

"They're a married couple. Has been for years. They couldn't get pregnant and decided that it's time to have an addition to their family. Mark has a steady job, good income, and Lily works from home. They have a lovely home and the agency thinks that Sophie would be better off living with them. They seemed really smitten with Sophie the moment they walked in." Laura tried to explain as gently as possible.

Gail tried to pull herself together. She cannot and will not break down in tears right now. She understood what Laura said and can definitely relate with the couple that are smitten by the little girl because Gail is too. She took a deep breath to calm her nerves before saying anything.

"But Gail, even if you can't be her mother, you can still visit her. We'll work something out."

"Okay. I appreciate all you've done, Laura. I really do. Can I just speak to her?" Gail let out a shaky breath.

"Sure, go ahead."

Gail slowly made her way to the swings. She cannot believe what just happened. All this, all of her efforts have gone down the drain. She turned her world upside down and inside out, made gigantic changes and decisions in her life, almost wreck her relationship with her mother to fit this precious human being in her life, and now, nothing. She has nothing to show for all that she has done. For now, she puts up a strong front. For herself and for Sophie.

"Gail!" Sophie called out to Gail, happy to see her favourite person in the whole world.

"Hey, sweetie!" Gail smiled the smile that is only reserved for Sophie.

"Gail, guess what, a couple came to the house recently and they seemed really interested in me! They want me to stay with them!" Sophie explained with a burst of excitement.

This wrecked Gail completely. Hot tears fell freely and there was no way to stop them from falling. She quickly wiped them away in an attempt to hide her sadness from Sophie. Gail did not make the decision to adopt Sophie easily. Will she be a good enough parent? Will she be able to handle it? What will her parents say? Will Sophie love her like she love Sophie? Will she regret it? Will she regret _not_ doing it? She racked her brain for weeks before deciding to go through with the adoption. And when she did, she decided to not let the little girl know about her decision, not at least until the process becomes successful.

Sophie was the first to break the silence that fell over them. "What's wrong, Gail?" Warm and innocent brown eyes looked into her own.

"I'm just really happy for you. You deserve it, Soph. You deserve the world." Gail hugged Sophie tightly, unwilling to let her go.

"Thanks. We'll still see each other, right? Even when I'm not at the home anymore?" Sophie questioned in a curious tone once they broke the hug.

"Of course."

* * *

Loss. The feeling of loss overwhelmed the blonde.

Gail walked up the steps of her new humble abode. Two bedrooms, nothing fancy. She just moved from the frat house two weeks ago and the house was still relatively empty. She was supposed to go get some more furniture and decorate the other bedroom for when Sophie comes home. _Well, I don't have to do that anymore. _Gail sighed heavily before entering the house.

Once she stepped inside, the whole house were filled with the aroma of baked chicken. Holly had a key and promised to cook dinner for the two of them tonight. Gail totally forgot about it. She walked into the kitchen to be greeted by a lopsided grin that she love so much.

"Hey."

"Hi." Gail tried to give her a genuine smile, but Holly obviously saw through it.

"What's wrong? How was the meeting with Sophie?"

"The uh… the agency… they found someone new for Sophie." Gail answered, looking down at the kitchen floor.

"Oh."

That was all Holly could respond. Gail bit on her bottom lip to stop it from quivering, before letting out a sob. Holly's heart broke right there. She saw how Gail prepared for the adoption and knew that Gail would be an excellent mother. Holly promised to help Gail through every step of the way, that she's not alone in this. She remembered the night when Gail told her about Sophie and the adoption. Gail expected shock, confusion and denial, but was greeted with calmness and acceptance. In the end, it was Gail who was shocked and confused with what happened that night. Of course she was happy with how it all turned out and Gail couldn't help but feel like she's the luckiest woman in the world to have met Holly.

Holly pulled Gail into a fierce hug, because no words were needed at the moment. This is the only way and the best way to offer Gail solace. So Holly just stood there and held Gail in her arms, for God knows how long. It could be minutes, it could be hours, but the pair was too lost in the moment to care. Once Gail calmed the tears and her breathing returned to normal, they broke apart.

"I'm sorry." Holly offered, breaking the silence.

"It's okay. It's not your fault. I'm sure Mark and Lily will do a better job than me. They have a lovely home and they could provide a lot more than a single parent like me can." Gail said once the tears stopped falling.

"That's not true. I'm sure they'll love her and care for her unconditionally, but you and Sophie have a special bond that no one can break or even try to understand. The agency just want what's best for Sophie." Holly explained in a soothing tone that she often uses around Gail.

"I know. I just… I just let my hopes up, you know? And now all I'm feeling is disappointment. I seldom let myself believe and have faith and when I do, I always couldn't get what I wished for. Except you, of course." Gail smiled at the end of her words, watery blue eyes shining at Holly. Holly smiled back at Gail and pulled her towards the dining table.

"You hungry? Dinner should be ready"

"Can we just… take some time on the couch? I don't really feel like eating right now. Sorry."

"Yeah, sure." Holly led Gail to the couch in the living room and pulled Gail down with her.

Dinner forgotten, Holly held Gail in her arms giving Gail some silence to grieve. Holly felt a little disappointed, too. She met Sophie and had the pleasure to spend time with her. She loved the girl, too.

After a while, Gail broke the silence in a hoarse voice. "So what now?"

"I don't know. We take it one day at a time. We face one day at a time, just you and me. I'm here for you, I'll always be here for you." Holly took a while to respond. Why the universe works the way it does, she doesn't know. But she can offer Gail comfort and hope again, for Gail focus on their own future now, with no expectations and pressure from the outside world. Just the two of them. It's all that matters now.


End file.
